Thursday, May 19, 2005

Press Release

- - - For Immediate Release - - -

The Librano Party of Canada (LPC) is pleased to announce that it's "best of class" political tactics have once again been validated in the House of Commons.

These tactics are described fully in our upcoming best seller, "How to Screw a Country and be Re-elected", and will be of interest to novice and professional politicians everywhere.

This exciting book, with such sordid chapters as "The Art of Clinging to Power", and "The Art of Buying Votes", will be available from our website at just as soon as the Gomery Commission has concluded.

Although final pricing of this comprehensive and fun-filled manual is not yet decided, a number of flexible acquisition approaches are under consideration:

... one-time payment of $750,000 into our recently-established "Gomery trust fund" account, anonomously donated of course; or

... a commitment to cross the floor of the House, without Cabinet appointment; prerequisite: immediate vote of non-confidence pending; or

... a commitment to cross the floor of the House, with Cabinet appointment; prerequisite: any leadership hopeful of opposition party, and non-confidence motion pending; or

... verification that any recordings, wires, incriminating documents and cancelled cheques have been destroyed; prerequisite: anyone who could possibly do us damage, and NOT to be verified by a LPC accounting firm, please.

In the meantime, please visit our website to view excerpts from this House-shattering best-seller!

Copies of our earlier masterpiece, "The Little Red Book", are unfortunately no longer available to the public.

The Art of Clinging to Power

(Note: this is an extract; we want you to buy our book, OK?)

It's very, very important for you to thoroughly understand why clinging to power is the most critical part of your job. More important than fund-raising, more important than listening to constituents and vastly more important than your legislated role to govern in the best interests of Canadians.

If you aren't in power, you are nothing. Zip. Zilch. Just an opposition party. Unprotected. No money. A nobody. Now, if all that didn't scare you, then politics isn't your game and you should get into some similar line of work like publishing politically-biased newspapers or running fruitless and incompetent RCMP investigations, or something else mundane like that.

Unprotected. That alone should scare you. No ability to keep your slimy tactics hidden under immovable rocks. No protection from real RCMP investigations. At the mercy of the media. No way to buy votes and voters. Like I said, unprotected is not a desirable state of existence.

Our family has worked for generations at developing a set of rules to stay in power. Ignore these at your peril.

Rule #1: There are no limits that you must heed when trying to stay in power. Sleaze, graft, subversion, lying, stealing, promising and bribery are endorsed methods. Heck, we use these all the time in our other line of business, advertising. Trust me, they are the most effective tools that you will have.

Rule #2. You should use the critical subset of these tools in the following sequence, first to last. One assumes, of course, that you have already used your graft and corruption tools to keep the party faithful in line. You have, haven't you?

... Subversion: first try to ensure that an election isn't called. If the spectre of one looms, ignore non-confidence votes, or anything like them. Mix and split Bills so that you divide and conquer the opposition. Delay votes which could be non-confidence motions so as to gain time to deploy the other tools in your arsenal. Co-opt your mainstream media friends into flogging your point of view ("Canadians don't want an election now"), your faithful pollsters ("polls show that Canadians don't want an election now"), and of course the CBC which you own and control. When the effectiveness of subversion tactics begin to falter, move on to your next tool.

... Promises: promise anything and everything to everyone. Spread it around. Remember, it's voters that you are wooing, and it's their money, so it isn't costing you a cent. When you get to $22 or $23 billion, stop. This tool has outlived its usefulness. After all, you have to have something left to promise if an election campaign actually presents itself, don't you?

... Bribery: this is a last resort because it is dangerous, especially if somebody on the receiving end is being a jerk and recording the conversation. That can be downright dangerous. However risky it may be, it is often the most effective and quickest tool and it doesn't cost you anything. It's the gulled taxpayers who ante up. Got a brain-challenged ambitious bimbo who wants to be Prime Minister? Make her a cabinet Minister if she crosses the floor. One of your ex-soldiers has a humanitarian streak and deplores genocide? Easy, just promise him you'll send some Canadian troops into harm's way and $170 million, in exchange for his vote. Don't worry, the foreign government will nix the deal, as you pre-arranged. Got some spare senate seats or diplomatic posts open, and need some opposition members converted to your cause? Easy, but watch out for those recording devices.

Although those are the escalation steps, be sure not to neglect effective use of your other tools at every possible opportunity. Lying, accusing, misdirecting and, of course, stealing. Never give up on stealing. It's so profitable.

Rule #3: Be steadfast. Avoid looking in the mirror each morning and disliking what you see. In fact, avoid mirrors like the plague, they can be so demoralizing. Don't let your thoughts wander onto the subject of "Am I doing the right thing for my constituents or for Canada?". Be firm. This is all about YOU, your wealth, your power, your game, your toys (Canada), and the well-being of your associates who think like you do. Who needs reality? Who needs a conscience, ethics or integrity? Get rid of those character flaws if they are still around. They'll slow you down and, in some instances, can be fatal to your career.

If all this fails, and once in a while you might be faced with this situation, do not despair. We have a whole chapter in our new book devoted to sure-fire campaign strategies for winning elections without using any of your own money.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

The Art of Promising

(Note: this is an extract; we want you to buy our book, OK?)

First rule. Promise often, promise anything, promise something to everyone, and miss no one. Especially during election campaigns. Don’t feel constrained. They are only political promises. No one expects you to (really) honour those promises. But promise BIG.

Second rule. After you are elected or re-elected, ignore your promises if it suits you. But keep track of the ones that polled high during the campaign because you may want to re-use tried-and-true promises again in the next campaign.

Third rule. Always be in a position between campaigns to trot out a "progress report" on how well you are doing vis-a-vis your campaign promises. Always show progress or, at least, a startup time for galvanizing these promises into action. Don’t worry, you won’t actually have to fulfill them, just show "progress".

Fourth rule. Always position your promises as "Canadian values", and make sure that you convince (one way or the other) the mainstream journalists to flog and re-flog that storyline in the media. This is essential. If you do this correctly, the competition (opposition parties) won’t have a leg to stand on.

Last rule. Very important. Never, never, giggle when you make a promise. The public doesn’t need you to reinforce their inherent fears that you are lying. Practice making promises in front of the mirror. If you are going to be two-faced about it, you might as well do the job right!

So what are some practical examples of these rules, you might ask?

Rule #1: Promise often (before and during campaigns), anything, and everything. Do some "Atlantic Accords". That always shores up your Eastern voter base. Promise Ontario a few billion or so. Make Ralphie happy with an oil revenue agreement. Push the "daycare" word, even the "education" word, if you think it will get one more vote on Election Day.

Have perceived (but not real) tax breaks for everyone. Kiss babies or play with children in schools and daycare centres. Those photo-ops will only reinforce your flagrant promises. Remember to use a 5-year accumulated "maybe" figure and position it as this year’s impact. Better still, take the fake benefits over 60 years if it’s for biggies like the Toronto Airport rent reductions. Bigger is better ... try to stay above the magical $1 billion figure when making promises; anything less is measly. And remember it’s not your money it’s theirs, so the sky’s the limit.

Rule #2: Ignore your promises afterwards. Even super-huge clunkers like repealing the GST or even nixing the Free Trade Agreement will work. And, at the other end of the scale, no one cares a lot about the very little ones, and will even forget them. That leaves you a lot of maneuvering room to ignore most, if not all, of your promises.

Feel free to recycle old promises. If they worked last time, why wouldn’t they work again? Just look at "new childcare spaces". We trotted out this clunker in 1993, 1997, 2000 and 2004, and each time it gulled voters. What more could you ask for ---living proof of the recyclibility of promises. Same thing and same timeframes for our Aboriginal healthcare and education promises.

Once in a while it may be necessary for you to actually take some action on one or two of these. When you do, make a big splash. Announce deals like "fix of a generation" when talking about healthcare, even if all you do is give back some of the money that you took away over the past six years. But remember, never fix anything, just throw taxpayer money at it. If it works and the problem goes away, fine. If it doesn’t work and the problem stays around, add it to your platform as a promise to "repair" whatever didn’t work.

Be aware that there is a special type of promise that doesn’t cost anything, and still permits you to skim off what you need from the public purse while you are making the promise. This is a very, very special promise. It’s called, "Promising to Eliminate the Democratic Deficit".

With a title like that you have the high ground right away. How can anyone argue against something like that, even if they don’t know what it means? A winner. Fire somebody every few years or so, and then point it out as "progress". For a double-whammy, make sure the person you fire is someone who was poison. Two birds with one stone, and it didn’t cost you a dime. Great family business, eh?

Rule #3. Always be able to trot out a progress report on the status of your promises. For this to work, you are going to have to make sure that there are always committees "studying" the implications and financial impacts of each of your promises. If you don’t have a committee looking at a promise, then feel free to reference an enquiry, commission, investigation or public sector study looking into anything remotely connected with the content of your promise.

Actually, enquiries and investigations are really good sinkholes for questions about progress, because your first instinct should be to refuse to comment further until the matter is concluded. They seldom are, at least in time for the next election, so you will always be on safe ground.

Gomery, the Shawinigan RCMP investigations (5), and anything before the Ethics Commissioner or the courts fall into this category. By the way, if it’s in front of the Supreme Court, you get bonus points. If they do come to a decision before the next election, it will always be contentions and transferable as an issue to another committee to study the matter beyond the next election.

Rule #4: Position your promises as Canadian values. Better still, announce that Librano values are Canadian values, or that Canadian values are Librano values. It doesn’t matter which way you say it. As an example, we trotted out the Atlantic accord as part of the equalization scam, and then linked equalization to fair, just, and Canadian values. All we did was pay for last campaign’s promise with taxpayer money again, and solidified our East Coast voter base. Neat, eh? Who cares if it completely destroyed the equalization principles. Remember, the word "principles" isn’t in our vocabulary.

You can also use the "value" thingy to real advantage during elections. As a matter of fact, we highly recommend it. If you proclaim it loud enough, and often enough, then the idea that anyone else but the Libranos doesn’t have Canadian values will take hold. Then Sammy’s your uncle. Oh, and if you can, use "scary" and "hidden agenda" frequently to describe your opponents. No truth in the statements, but that’s never stopped us from making the claims. Works really, really well, too.

Lastly, make sure you co-opt your national media friends like the Red Star, or the Gloss and Moan, to front your Canadian values theme. It’s free, and they never ask for favours in return!

Rule #5. Never giggle when making a promise. You may be tempted, or it may be beyond your control to stop giggling, but you really have to try hard. It’s very important.

Like when you are announcing that a blond bimbo who can’t spell equalization has just rolled over from the opposition and become one of your very, very important cabinet ministers. Keep a straight face, even if the media at the press conference is laughing their heads off. Especially keep a firm grip on your facial muscles when you reply that political ambition, or staying in power, had nothing to do with the defection. This is really important.

So there you have it. Our five hard battle-proven rules for political survival.

Use well, and be sure to include any other voter-screwing tactics that you may think of. We come up with a few new ones every day.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

The Art of Buying Votes

(Note: this is an extract; we want you to buy our book, OK?)

In our little family, we have a number of rules that we adhere to when buying votes. We don't call them "principles", because that would go against everything that we stand for.

1. Use Other People's Money

This is really, really, very, very important! You can go broke using your own money, and what's the sense of that? Especially when there's so much of everybody else's money out there that's easy pickings.

The best, the absolutely best source of money for your scams is taxpayer money. There's a little bit of work involved in finding this money but, with good connections (see the chapter on "The Art of Buying Influence"), you'll be up and skimming in no time flat! Good sources are:

... corporate donations, especially those disguised as "employee" contributions

... "loans" from smaller banks or, even better, from the government's own lending institution, the Federal Development Bank

... any free-money program such as grants, "economic development", enterprise startup or "incentive" programs, and ... our family's personal favourite ... any advertising by a government.

Yes, whether it's for promoting the Gun Registry (nice cynical touch, eh?) or promoting national unity and exports and foreign trade, or even fighting separation, subverting the advertising process is your best strategy.

For one thing, advertising is big bucks. Really, really, very, very big bucks. Why sweat it out on a $5,000 contract to supply office machines, when there's much more leverage (skimability) from a $2 million advertising contract? The answer is obvious.

But what about MERX, the "honest, open and competitive" federal on-line bidding system, you ask? Doesn't that prevent a everyone from robbing the federal purse?

What do you think this is? A "Dear Abby" column? No, of course MERX can be subverted, easily. All you need to do is ensure that you have some troops on the inside that will write memos and rules that say, oh, "to save administrative expense, all tenders less than $100 billion may be sole-sourced". Isn't that neat-oh? After that, it's no sweat.

To wrap up. There's so much public money out there for the taking that you should never, never, never give a thought to using any of your own money. Only if it's necessary to complete one of those after-election forms to Elections Canada. That makes it look like you are legit. Optics are important in our family business.

2. Forget About Focus

Spread it around. Your first priority should be taking a bit (OK, maybe a lot more) off the top for yourself. Make sure that you tell your soldiers about this principle of skimming off the top. Someday one of them may be a Don, and where would they be without a solid record of skimming?

OK, now that you have your money, it's time to put the rest of it on the streets. Your next priority should be anyone, absolutely anyone, who can help you. This includes not only your shakedown troops (be sure to position these as "campaigners", but also anyone who might be in a position to help you stay in power. Examples include lawyers who you may want to appoint later to judgeships (or whatever they call it), advertising agencies (the ones that won't ask for payment for work on your election campaigns that they do), and politicians. Disguise the skim to politicians as "campaign donations", though. Unless it's under the table.

If you want, think about spreading some of the skim to people who could help you in the media. If one of them is bugging you, set up a fake payment to make them look bad. Remember, you can't get enough media attention, whether it's positive or negative to your family. Positive is good. Negative is better because, let's face it, a little bit of fear goes a long way!

How you spread it around is important. Forget about the legal ways. Those are just the method you use to get the money into a form suitable for "distribution", where it will do the most good. Cash is first rate, and preferred, remember.

As an example, consider one of our lesser initiatives, our AdScam line of business. Note that we used legitimate methods to skim the money from those poor saps (government, taxpayers) to our "fronts". Yeah, I know, in many cases we really ripped off taxpayers on those invoices but look, a family's gotta live, eh?

Once the money was out of public scrutiny, we could really start messing with it. I don't want to say too much (the book's for that), but obviously faked invoices, cash under the table, brown envelopes and briefcases full of money are all successful techniques to use once you have your hands on taxpayer moola.

3. Think Big

Since it's other people's money, the sky's the limit. Besides, no one ever got defeated for thinking big. There are numerous cases, though, of parties being defeated because they didn't think big. Remember that. Leave it up to the honest parties and competition to work within paltry budgets. Look where it got them!

4. Screw the "End User"

We've decided to remove the specifics of buying voters (not the same as buying votes) from this chapter of the book. Instead, we will be including the money of buying voters angle in the chapter titled, "The Art of Promising".

The two really go together. Really.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Listen Up!

Welcome to the start of a new experience, a first in Canadian politics.

Yes, our much-reviled organization, the Librano Party of Canada (LPC), is coming out of the closet to reveal our innermost secrets.

Our competitors promise you clean government, ethics and principles. Now when, may I ask you, did those stupid ideas ever get a political party anywhere? They didn't, so that's why we feel confident in letting you and them know all about our dirty tricks, outrageous promises, and outright lies.

After all, who is going to prosecute us? The Attorney-General? The RCMP? Get with the songbook, folks. If the statute of limitations hasn't run out, we'll still be in power and can redeploy our (hidden) monetary resources long enough to make sure that it runs out.

Feeling confident and arrogant as usual, in the coming weeks we will be writing a number of chapters for our upcoming best seller, "How to Screw a Country and be Re-elected". You WILL buy the book, won't you? An offer not to be refused!

Read such exciting chapters as:

... The Art of Buying Votes. Written by one of our talented, (non-competitively) contracted staff, we will reveal our sure-fire techniques for buying your votes with your own money. You think we would be crazy enough to use our own?

... The Art of Clinging to Power. Frankly, our consigiliere had reservations about publishing this chapter, but logic took precedence. Our reasoning was that, if you can't get into power, you have no need to cling to power or need of our tips. Great logic, and the Don went for it.

... The Art of Promising. This one was a toughie to source in terms of a ghostwriter, but in the end we found just the right guy for the hit job. Still "active" in our family business, he sure is the foremost expert and practicioner in the field of election promises. We rode over the objections of our consigiliere again on this one, by convincing him that nobody, absolutely nobody, could promise like us. No competition, really, and that shut him up

.... Things That Go Boom in the Night. I have to warn you, this is going to be the edited version of the article that we wanted to write. The consigiliere put his foot down on this and, let's face it, he had a couple of good points. No one likes to shatter the veil of silence, and that's what our big boom article would do, figuratively speaking.

There's more, but we don't want to spoil it for you.

So check back often for updates and, remember, we are still taking applications for entry into our "family".