Sunday, May 15, 2005

The Art of Buying Votes

(Note: this is an extract; we want you to buy our book, OK?)

In our little family, we have a number of rules that we adhere to when buying votes. We don't call them "principles", because that would go against everything that we stand for.

1. Use Other People's Money

This is really, really, very, very important! You can go broke using your own money, and what's the sense of that? Especially when there's so much of everybody else's money out there that's easy pickings.

The best, the absolutely best source of money for your scams is taxpayer money. There's a little bit of work involved in finding this money but, with good connections (see the chapter on "The Art of Buying Influence"), you'll be up and skimming in no time flat! Good sources are:

... corporate donations, especially those disguised as "employee" contributions

... "loans" from smaller banks or, even better, from the government's own lending institution, the Federal Development Bank

... any free-money program such as grants, "economic development", enterprise startup or "incentive" programs, and ... our family's personal favourite ... any advertising by a government.

Yes, whether it's for promoting the Gun Registry (nice cynical touch, eh?) or promoting national unity and exports and foreign trade, or even fighting separation, subverting the advertising process is your best strategy.

For one thing, advertising is big bucks. Really, really, very, very big bucks. Why sweat it out on a $5,000 contract to supply office machines, when there's much more leverage (skimability) from a $2 million advertising contract? The answer is obvious.

But what about MERX, the "honest, open and competitive" federal on-line bidding system, you ask? Doesn't that prevent a everyone from robbing the federal purse?

What do you think this is? A "Dear Abby" column? No, of course MERX can be subverted, easily. All you need to do is ensure that you have some troops on the inside that will write memos and rules that say, oh, "to save administrative expense, all tenders less than $100 billion may be sole-sourced". Isn't that neat-oh? After that, it's no sweat.

To wrap up. There's so much public money out there for the taking that you should never, never, never give a thought to using any of your own money. Only if it's necessary to complete one of those after-election forms to Elections Canada. That makes it look like you are legit. Optics are important in our family business.

2. Forget About Focus

Spread it around. Your first priority should be taking a bit (OK, maybe a lot more) off the top for yourself. Make sure that you tell your soldiers about this principle of skimming off the top. Someday one of them may be a Don, and where would they be without a solid record of skimming?

OK, now that you have your money, it's time to put the rest of it on the streets. Your next priority should be anyone, absolutely anyone, who can help you. This includes not only your shakedown troops (be sure to position these as "campaigners", but also anyone who might be in a position to help you stay in power. Examples include lawyers who you may want to appoint later to judgeships (or whatever they call it), advertising agencies (the ones that won't ask for payment for work on your election campaigns that they do), and politicians. Disguise the skim to politicians as "campaign donations", though. Unless it's under the table.

If you want, think about spreading some of the skim to people who could help you in the media. If one of them is bugging you, set up a fake payment to make them look bad. Remember, you can't get enough media attention, whether it's positive or negative to your family. Positive is good. Negative is better because, let's face it, a little bit of fear goes a long way!

How you spread it around is important. Forget about the legal ways. Those are just the method you use to get the money into a form suitable for "distribution", where it will do the most good. Cash is first rate, and preferred, remember.

As an example, consider one of our lesser initiatives, our AdScam line of business. Note that we used legitimate methods to skim the money from those poor saps (government, taxpayers) to our "fronts". Yeah, I know, in many cases we really ripped off taxpayers on those invoices but look, a family's gotta live, eh?

Once the money was out of public scrutiny, we could really start messing with it. I don't want to say too much (the book's for that), but obviously faked invoices, cash under the table, brown envelopes and briefcases full of money are all successful techniques to use once you have your hands on taxpayer moola.

3. Think Big

Since it's other people's money, the sky's the limit. Besides, no one ever got defeated for thinking big. There are numerous cases, though, of parties being defeated because they didn't think big. Remember that. Leave it up to the honest parties and competition to work within paltry budgets. Look where it got them!

4. Screw the "End User"

We've decided to remove the specifics of buying voters (not the same as buying votes) from this chapter of the book. Instead, we will be including the money of buying voters angle in the chapter titled, "The Art of Promising".

The two really go together. Really.


Anonymous Candace said...

When's the next excerpt coming, I can't wait!

1:30 PM, May 15, 2005  
Anonymous Steve said...

Truth is stranger than fiction every time. Wonderful stuff.

3:59 PM, May 15, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm. I was thinking that maybe something from our "Librano Values ARE Your Values" chapter would be well received.

Librano Hack

5:46 PM, May 15, 2005  
Blogger jc said...

No, no...the deal was you publish the book after the election. Why the hell else would we have given you the envelope??

Better thing this one through buddy...Montreal has a very deep harbour.

2:00 AM, May 16, 2005  
Blogger Baron bleu-obscur said...


Very « funny »!
I'm just discovering your blog...
That's the kind of humour I like.

I'll put you in my Blogroll.

5:42 AM, May 17, 2005  

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